February 9, 2016

15 Horrifying Easter Bunnies

The problems we encounter with Easter Bunny costumes fall into two categories: either they look totally pissed and/or diabolical, or they try too hard to look happy and end up, you know, looking a little too happy. Every once in a while, someone will try to split the difference between these two. But the result is usually an Easter Bunny that looks physically deformed, and perhaps not right in the head.

Thus, no matter what, the lesson is clear: stop making Easter Bunny costumes. There is just no way an anthropomorphized rabbit is going to be cute. Besides, unlike Santa, who at least is a real human being (or possibly a large elf), you can’t fool a kid into thinking a dude in a furry suit is an actual giant beneficent bunny rabbit. So just stop it. As long as there’s a giant basket of plastic grass and colorful high-fructose corn syrup waiting for them on Easter Sunday, kids won’t give a turd if they got to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap.

15. Abominable Snowman Easter Bunny

Can you believe this abominable snowman-looking “Easter Bunny” is the least-creepy one on this list? It makes you wonder if the person who designed this costume has ever even seen a bunny. While the face really isn’t too bad (because it’s so furry you can barely make out its features), the long dingy fur would probably discourage me from eating any candy the bunny should happen bring.

14. Non-Bunny Bunny

I don’t know what this thing looks like, but it’s not an Easter Bunny. Well, I mean, it is supposed to look like an Easter Bunny, what with the pink nose, (terribly crafted) whiskers, and tall pointy ears. But this is not a realistic rendering.

13. Face Painted on Paper Plate

The fuzzy jumpsuit looks alright I guess, but that mask is terrible. It looks like something kids make on the last day of school before the Easter holiday (when the teacher gives up on trying to teach and just lets the kids eat candy and make holiday-related crafts that parents will have to display on the fridge even though they’re monstrosities).

12. Perv-Bunny

Maybe I’m crazy (or just a nerd), but to me this Easter Bunny looks like that alien who bitches out Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi in that bar where they meet Han Solo in the original Star Wars. You know, the lizard-looking guy growls at them, and then the other alien man says, “He doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either.” Then Obi-Wan cuts of the lizard dude’s arm, and everyone just chills out. My point is, it is not good for an Easter Bunny to look like that guy.

11. Bunnywang

Shopping mall Easter Bunny rule #1: never, ever, without exception, are you to hold your carrot in the vicinity of your crotch in such a way that it looks like you just popped a couple Viagra. Parents hate this.

10. Bucket-Head Easter Bunny

I imagine the design of this costume went something like this: “Hey, Sam, do bunnies’ heads look like furry buckets with holes cut out for eyes and a mouth?” “Sure do, Frank.” “Thanks, I thought so. Just checking.” “No problem, buddy.”

9. Hitler Bunny on Speed

Nice going guys. You really made that Easter Bunny’s whiskers look like a Hitler mustache. Also, the yellow eyes are a nice touch. They really make this horrible creature look strung out like a kite.

8. Dog-Humper Thumper

If you take your dog to get its picture taken with the Easter Bunny, and they take a picture in which it looks like the Easter Bunny is nailing your dog…well, let’s be honest, you deserve it. (The dog doesn’t give a shit. His self-respect was annihilated as soon as you put those ears on him.)

7. Realistic Mask = Creepy, Not Cute

A realistic looking bunny mask should never be used for an Easter Bunny costume (let alone with a Pepto Bismol-pink jumpsuit). We’re talking about a magical bunny who hands out chocolate versions of himself for children to eat. Realism isn’t the goal. Go ahead and make the bunny look cartoonish, okay?

6. Vintage Easter Bunny #1

Back in the olden days, children were tougher than they are now. They had to read books instead of playing video games, they often had to kill their own supper every day, they had to milk the cows every morning before walking to school up-hill both ways, etc. This probably explains why this child isn’t afraid of this terrifying bunny-man. In fact, she seems quite pleased to be on this Easter Bunny’s lap and not dead from polio.

5. Vintage Easter Bunny #2

The whiskers on this Easter Bunny look like catfish whiskers. Not good.

4. Genetically Challenged Bunny

This messed-up bunny looks like his mom and dad were brother and sister. The kid is like, “get me the hell off this abomination!”

3. Pink and White Bunny of Torment

Just because you give an Easter Bunny costume pink satin ears and big fuzzy paws, that doesn’t mean you give it evil eyes and scary digit-gnawing teeth. The kid is pretty cute, though, and she looks only partially confused by her current predicament.

2. Pink Bunny of Agony

The problem with this costume, in addition to the pointy devil-horn ears, the unnaturally crimson red nose, and the fact that it’s facial expression clearly gives the impression the bunny is hatching an evil plot…well, wait, that’s pretty much all the problems with this costume.

1. White Bunny of Unimaginable Suffering

This is the creepiest, most nefarious-looking Easter Bunny of them all. Who would make such a sinister bunny getup? And, really, the worst part is that this poor little girl is sadly oblivious to her impending doom.