February 14, 2016

9 Insanely Opulent Cell Phones

My first cell phone cost about $120, which I thought was pretty expensive at the time. Hell, it was expensive, considering all it did was send and receive phone calls. Somewhere along the line, however, phones became more than phones. At some point, they became instant messengers, then cameras, then web browsers, then GPS systems, and, now, full-fledged mini computers. So $500+ doesn’t seem that unreasonable anymore, considering all you get for your money. But for some people, that’s not enough. There are some people who have so much money that the only things left to spend it on are everyday objects that have no business being made of gold and diamonds. Which brings us to today’s list: 9 Insanely Opulent Cell Phones.

9. Le Dix by Celcius X VI II ($300,000)

We begin with an huge waste of 300K. I mean, yes, this phone looks amazing, with its visible watch mechanisms and brushed titanium. But it’s just a basic flip phone that happens to have an incredibly expensive watch built into it—a watch you cannot remove and place conveniently around your wrist. I don’t care if the phone-watch does have a “flying tourbillion” that counteracts the effects of gravity on the internal mechanisms, therefore keeping perfect time. If I can’t play Angry Birds, what’s the point?


8. Vertu Signature ($80,000)

Basic models of the Vertu Signature start at $14,000. Fancier editions, like the gold one pictured here, or the diamond covered model, can range as high as $80,000. It features a scratch-proof sapphire crystal display, some kind of jewels doing some thing or another, precision craftsmansh…blah blah blah. This phone has NO CAMERA. For $80,000, a 20 megapixel digital SLR should pop out of this thing a la Inspector Freaking Gadget.


7. Diamond Crypto Smartphone ($1,300,000)

This phone was created by luxury accessories designer Peter Aloisson. It’s exterior is made of white and pink gold adorned with 40 white diamonds along with 10 blue ones—you know, for a splash of color. If that weren’t enough to tell you it was designed with the super wealthy in mind, the phone also comes with special data encryption technology that protects you from industrial espionage or, in the event you are kidnapped, transmits vital information to the authorities.


6. King’s Button iPhone 3GS ($2,500,000)

What do you get when you cover an iPhone in gold and replace the home button with a 6.6 carat diamond? You get the $2.5 million “King’s Button” iPhone.


5. Goldstriker iPhone 3GS Supreme ($3,000,000)

At $3 million, the Goldstriker iPhone 3GS Supreme is the most expensive cell phone in the world. So you may wonder, why isn’t it #1 on the list? Well, let me answer this question with another question: what’s the point of having a phone that costs north of 100K if it just looks like a bedazzled iPhone? When you want a really fancy car, you don’t just spend a million bucks tricking out your Ford Taurus. Why do it with a phone? So, yeah, the #1 phone on this list must be insanely expensive, but also stylish and original. Money without class is not luxury.


4. VIPN Black Diamond Smartphone ($300,000)

Now here’s a $300,000 diamond-studded phone with some style. It’s adorned with two diamonds—one on the front, one on the back—but without being gaudy. Whereas the previous three phones scream “LOOK AT ME! I’M FILTHY RICH!” this phone merely whispers, “yeah, I’m kinda well off.”


3. The Chairman by Ulysse Nardin ($50,000)

Coming in well under a hundred grand, this phone pulls off a huge upset by sneaking in at #3. But what can I say, despite the fact that it has zero diamonds, the phone manages to be both beautiful and luxurious. It also appears to be rather technologically advanced. So suck it, bejeweled iPhones.


2. GoldVish Le Million ($1,500,000)

At $1.5 million, this phone was the Guinness-certified most expensive in the world for several years. It’s made of 18-carat white gold and is studded with 1,800 diamonds. Swiss luxury phone maker GoldVish released “Le Million” way back in 2006. Sadly, cell phones age in dog years. So a five-year-old phone is really more like thirty-five-years-old. It still looks impressive, though.


1. Gresso Luxor Las Vegas Jackpot ($1,000,000)

At a cool million bucks—a nice round number, an old-fashioned classy number—the Gresso Luxor Las Vegas Jackpot takes the top spot in our list of opulent cell phones. The back panel is made from the most expensive wood in the world (200-year-old African blackwood), the keys are made of hand-polished sapphire crystal, and 45.5 carats of black diamonds are embedded on the front. What any of this has to do with Vegas, I do not know.