February 13, 2016

12 Crazy Beer Bongs

Today’s list concerns one of mankind’s most important inventions: the beer bong. Now, I must warn you, I take beer bonging very seriously, so this list will take on a glut of philosophical questions about “the bong of the gods”. For example, what are the essential properties of a beer bong that differentiate the act of beer bonging from mere chugging or shotgunning? Like I said, deep ontological questions about the nature of the beer bong.

But don’t worry. There are also pictures of some kick-ass, party-pumping, crazy-elaborate, hyphenated adjectival phrase-inducing beer bongs. So sick back and have a gander.

Oh, one more thing. Some of these are a little NSFW. Then again, if you didn’t already realize that looking at a list of awesome beer bongs at work might be frowned upon, you very well may have one foot out the door already.

12. Portable Bottle-To-Bong Adapter

One of the fundamental principles of beer bongematics is that the beer must be able to flow unimpeded by the narrow opening of a bottle, with the full vertical force of gravity, down the gullet of the bonger. This handy portable beer bong seems to adhere to this principle, but I couldn’t bring myself to place it higher on the list without knowing for sure.


11. The Octabong

The Octabong can’t go any higher than #11 because, really, it’s strictly a competitive beer bong. The individual beer chambers in the central funnel are great for ensuring all contestants in a bonging contest begin at the exact same time. But such a design won’t foster the party-enhancing conviviality of a single-chamber funnel with multiple hoses that requires the teamwork and cooperation of the individuals involved.


10. Ceiling Beer Bong

See, this beer bong has one single jug, which means all the bongers will have to work together. I also must praise the MacGyveresque improvisational skills required to make this beer bong happen.

9. 152-Person Beer Bong

The perpetrators of this 152-person beer bonging claim to have set a world record. And we certainly must applaud their ambition. But I think this one is disqualified for violating the first principle of beer bongematics mentioned above in #12—specifically, the gravity clause. How so? Well, it appears that beer is just pumped into the horizontal pipe from kegs sitting on the ground. So basically what we have here is just a 152-person tap. For it to be a true beer bong, gravity must do the work.


8. 50-Person Beer Bong

This one is better than #9, but still in violation of the gravity clause of the first principle of bongematics. You see, the horizontal pipe dilutes the singular vertical force created by gravity into numerous weaker vertical forces. In essence, once the beer is released through the funnels, this thing turns into 50 individual bongs.


7. Russion Roulette Beer Bong

You can buy this product on Amazon for $22.77. Basically, it’s a regular beer bong, only it’s got 1 handle that releases the brew and 5 that do nothing. You spin the handles and take a pull. If you’re lucky, you get the handle that releases the beer. Or is that unlucky? Whatever. You get the idea.


6. Skull Beer Bong

Proof that a bong doesn’t have to be mechanically complex to be extraordinary.


5. Bongzilla

Now here’s a communal beer bong that adheres to my “gravity clause.” The 6-person 12-pack-holding Bongzilla has a single chamber funnel that doesn’t dilute the downward force of gravity. A work of true bongematical genius. And hey, you can buy it on Amazon for $31!


4. The Florida University MedusaBong

Here’s another excellent multi-person beer bong. As best I could count, there are at least 33 tubes on this one. You can always rely on Florida Gators to have mastered the finer details of party science.


3. 100 Person Beer Bong

This amazing beer bonging is easily the most impressive of the multi-person beer bongs on this list. The emotional soundtrack of the video really elevates the drama. I tip my hat to all involved in this production.

2. The Chug-A-Jug Beer Bong

This one is crude, I know, and it probably violates all that stuff I said about beer bongematics and gravitational force, etc. But how could such a monstrous/wonderful beer bong (depending on your perspective) not be high on the list?


1. The Dong Bong

Wow. It’s hard to tell whether #1 or #2 is more offensive to women. I just want all the ladies out there to know I do not condone the existence or use of these beer bongs. It’s just that, you know, I set out to make a list of the most elaborate and crazy beer bongs, and these take the cake. I’m like a journalist—just reporting the facts.