Lately it seems the world of facial hair has been dominated by beards and mustaches, what with the rise to prominence of people like San Francisco Giants’ closer Brian Wilson and The Hangover star Zach Galifianakis. But you know what? Not everyone has thick facial hair, and I’m sick and tired of all those media elites from the East and West Coasts act like you’re nobody if you don’t have a big bushy beard or an ironic old-timey mustache. Thus, being a man of the people, I thought I should do a list of awesome facial hair that just about any old Joe Plumber can sport. I’m talking, of course, about sideburns. So kick back and prepare to be inspired by the following 15 examples of awesome blue-collar sideburns.
Technically speaking, Iâ€™m not sure this nonsense on Chris Daughtryâ€™s face constitutes â€œsideburns.â€ However, I am pretty sure that, technically speaking, Chris Daughtry looks like a douche. (Hey, Iâ€™m not trying to be mean. I didnâ€™t say he a douche, just that looks like a douche.)
After youâ€™re finished looking at this guyâ€™s awesome arrow sideburns, take a look at the collage of magazine photos there on the wall behind him. There you will see, among other things, Tom Sellick, a dudeâ€™s glistening pecs and abs, and a couple of hot chicks in bikinis. Whatâ€™s up with that?
When Iâ€™m an old man, I will most definitely have bushy white old man sideburns like Donald Sutherland and this other guy here. Hopefully by then Iâ€™ll also be able to grow the accompanying mustache.
12. Don Mattinglyâ€™s Mr. Burns Burns.
Of course, no list of amazing sideburns could ever be complete without this clip from the classic Simpsons episode, â€œHomer at the Bat.â€ â€œYou heard me, hippie.â€
This guyâ€™s name is Prince Albert von Thurn und Taxis. He is a real live prince and, according to Forbes magazine, the 3rd youngest billionaire in the world behind Facebook geeks Mark Zuckerberg (#2) and Dustin Moskovitz (#1). If Forbes had a â€œBest Billionaire Sideburnsâ€ ranking, he would probably be at the top.
Inspired the a fictional TV character with awesome sideburns (see #5 below), this guy decided to grow a pair of hamburger-looking sideburns. While I am not sure he succeeded (donâ€™t they kind of look like hotdogs?), I applaud the effort. The world would be a better place if we all modeled our lives after characters from television sit-coms.
Star Trek premiered in 1966, when everyone was beginning to wear sideburns thanks to Elvis and the Beatles. Of course, since any imagination of the future is always influenced by contemporary trends, it was only natural that Spock and Captain Kirk would sport futuristic looking (everything in the future is more pointy) sideburns.
Everyone knows fictional private eye John Shaft was a 1970s icon. Every facet of his smooth-ass style was widely imitated, including his amazing sideburns and mustache. But this side-by-side comparison of Richard Roundtree, who played Shaft, and Hall of Fame shortstop Ozzie Smith proves that sideburns alone canâ€™t make you a bad motherâ€“shut your mouth.
Until someone shows me otherwise, I declare Christopher Bridges (aka Ludacris) the International Sideburns Champion, Hip Hop Division. I mean just look at the variety of sideburn styles he has sported over the years. Donâ€™t they just take your breath away?
This guy is an English soccer player named Joleon Lescott. Heâ€™s made this list because his sideburnsâ€”along with all other follicular activity on and around his head, including his wacky hairline and Vulcan-like eyebrowsâ€”are just tremendously horrible. Honestly, if I didnâ€™t tell you this was a contemporary soccer player, wouldnâ€™t you think this was maybe another sample from Star Trek?
The NBC sitcom Community has a plethora of wacky characters, but none of them are as awesome as Starburns, a man whose entire identity is defined by the shape of the hair growing on the side of his face. If you havenâ€™t checked this show out yet, you should. Itâ€™s one of the better oneâ€™s on TV.
Sumo wrestlers donâ€™t always wear sideburns, but they very clearly shouldâ€”even if, like the two in the middle, they have to use hair from the top of their heads to form the them. Just look at how much fun these guys are having.
Elvis rocked the sideburns better than anyone in the history of mankind. That is, until this baby came along. Sorry, Mr. Presley, but thereâ€™s a new king.
If thereâ€™s a better way to advertise that you are all about the Benjamins than carving a dollar sign into your sideburns, I sure as hell donâ€™t know what it is. Sure, the execution of the design could be a little more precise, but overall I have to give this guy an A for effort.
This guy didnâ€™t just go out public with these amazing spirally hypnotizing sideburns. He went to a whoâ€™s who fundraising gala in the Hamptons with those things. Now that is some self-confidence.