Thanks to Kieu Becker and her penis-severing, garbage disposal-grinding ways, I have to make a list about 9 instances of menâ€™s penises getting chopped off and the circumstances under which it occurred. If I donâ€™t list the reason for the attack, it was anger over being cheated on. I didnâ€™t want to be repetitive. As you go down the list, realize that if you are planning on cheating on your wife, donâ€™t pick an older Chinese woman. Because she WILL cut your penis off if she finds out. Which is weird, because itâ€™s a chopstick culture. Huh.
Also, please note that rather than posting 9 pictures of severed penises, I opted to post pictures of happy children playing. Given the subject matter, I figured we needed to balance things out.
9. Lorena Bobbitt
In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt made national headlines by cutting off her drunken husband’s penis with a kitchen knife. She then drove a few blocks away, and threw the severed member out the car window. After calming down, she called 911 and turned herself in. The penis was eventually found and reattached. On a somewhat happy note, the victim, John Wayne Bobbitt, went on to appear in a few adult films. All’s well that ends well.
8. Siathong Wantha
In 2005, Wantha asked her estranged husband to sleep with her one last time before he picked up his new life with another woman. (Always a red flag). She then chopped off his weenus and turned herself into police while she got neighbors to take him to the hospital. Unable to locate the missing weenus, the paramedics had to call Mrs. (soon to be Ms., no doubt) Wantha to ascertain the location of the weenus, which was found by a fence in the front yard. Wantha was 53 years old and her husband was 35. I donâ€™t know why this is relevant, but I feel like it is.
7. Yao Fengfang
Yao thought her husband was cheating on her, so she cut off his penis. Familiar story by this point, no? Well, the twist is that she threw it out the window of her car, a la Lorena Bobbit. But it was recovered by the neighborsâ€™ dog. At that point, it was eaten. She was sentenced to three years after her husband asked for leniency. Seriously.
6. Ragini Narayan
This woman didnâ€™t sever the penis so much as she did burn it while it was still attached to him so that no other woman would want it. This act had the tricky little side effect of killing her husband, so she sorta got her wish. She had murder charges dropped, but is currently facing manslaughter charges.
Itâ€™s amazing how all the perpetrators are women. Men have too much empathy to run around cutting off wangs.
5. Unknown Woman Car Accident
This is by far the most disturbing story. In Singapore in May of 2009, woman was giving oral sex to a man in a parked car (thatâ€™s not disturbing; thatâ€™s awesome) when the car was rear-ended and she bit off the manâ€™s penis. This one is sad because it takes a wonderful thing and makes it horrible. The driver of that other car should be summarily executed. It’s also funny that despite the fact that it was an accident, the perpetrator was still an Asian woman.
Only the surname is given in the news story, but this one will be hard to forget. This 47 year-old resident of Shenzen, China, poured sulfuric acid all over her 29 year-old boyfriend. Not fun. His penis was not reattached because you canâ€™t reattach something that is burned off with acid. Duh.
Big takeaway from this list: If you donâ€™t want your penis burned off/severed, donâ€™t date a Chinese woman thatâ€™s more than 10 years older than you. Youâ€™re pretty much signing your penisâ€™ death warrant.
3. He (Victimâ€™s Surname)
A man with the surname â€œHeâ€ had his penis removed while he was sleeping, only to find it in a dustbin upon his sudden awakening. He then had to drive to the hospital, suffering the indignity of offering his severed penis, in a bowl of ice, for the doctors to reattach. They reattached the appendage, and he has almost returned to full use after the 2004 incident. Having to pull my own penis out of a dustbin, setting it in a bowl of ice, and driving to the hospital with the bowl riding shotgun sounds way more painful than the actual act of losing my dingus.
2. Unknown Infant Boy
In 1994 in (where else) China, an infant boy had his penis cut off by his 6 and 7 year-old sisters. Why did they do it? Because they had overheard their father joking about in reference to his breaking the Chinaâ€™s infamous one-child policy. The son bled to death, then the father ended up bludgeoning the two girls to death. He then killed himself by drinking a whole mess of insecticide, leaving no survivors in the family.
Iâ€™m starting to think that China is just a bigger version of Florida after reading all these effed up stories.
1. Alan Boggs
The number one spot goes to a male perp, because he really should know better. In 1991, he pitched up a hitchhiker, then cut off his penis. He was apprehended and pled guilty because people would have a hard time believing his claim of self-defense considering he HAD DONE IT BEFORE. This was his second time to be accused and was sent to jail. Oh, and this wasnâ€™t in China. But rather Florida. Duh.