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April 19, 2014

9 Ridiculously Large Breast Implants

Yikes. If you ever want to get turned off of breasts for a while, spend a couple hours compiling a list like this. I mean, I’m over it and back into them, but there was a 30-minute span when I was just totally grossed out. Why do these women go to such extremes? They list their reasons reasons, but I would say at least a few have deep-seated issues that they’re not too quick to reveal. Whatever. I don’t purport to understand the minds of most people, let alone the minds of women who decide to install a couple satellites in their chest. Umm…enjoy?

9. Keisha Evans

Keisha Evans maintains a self-run adult website that caters to men (and women, I suppose) that enjoy large breasts. By “large,” I mean “comically ridiculous and sorta sad and weird.” Her site says that she has 6,000 cc’s of liquid jammed into 3,000 cc bags. I don’t think that sounds very safe, but get used to it. Nothing that anyone on this list does sounds very safe. She claims to have a 56.5 inch bust. I don’t doubt it. Her site actually has a pretty interesting FAQ for how her “endowment” affects her life. I don’t believe a lot of it, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

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8. Sabrina Sabrok

This Argentine woman is a model/rock star/TV host that even served as the opening act for Marilyn Manson in the band’s infancy in 1997. She had several augmentation surgeries in order to gain the record of “International Celebrity with the Biggest Breasts.” A weird title for a weird person. Her bosom weighs a total of 18 kilos, or about 40 pounds. I bet she has really toned legs due to those guys.

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7. Maxi Mounds

She wears a size 42M and each one of her knockers weighs a very respectable 20 pounds apiece, which is like going through your life carrying around quadruplets in your ninth month. Good times! Believe it or not, she’s an adult film actress. That’s so weird!

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6. Lolo Ferrari

She is (or was, since she’s dead) reportedly the owner of the largest breasts in Europe, which makes it difficult for me to compare, because they are all metric and whatnot. I assume. Maybe they use inches. But it would be funnier if they used centimeters and she was 84-52-78 or something. It reads like she would be some sort of Amazon woman. Maybe if they wanted to understate her, they could use meters and she could be something like 1.2-.7-1. That has a certain elegance to it.

She endured 22 enhancement surgeries and killed herself in 2000, though it’s suspected that there may have been foul play involving her husband. Her measurements are hard to narrow down, but 58F seems like the most frequent guess.

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5. Busty Dusty

Ms. Dusty is an adult film actress (almost hard to believe, I know). Her bra size was billed erroneously as a 90HHH, which is ridiculous, but her actual measurements were reported to be 54-24-34, which is way more tasteful and understated. She retired from films in 1999. I also learned that she engaged in threesomes, mostly with two men, during her stints as a stripper. I think that information just bumped the quadratic equation out of my head. Rats.

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4. Uh…”BB Gunns.” I swear. That’s her name.

Do you think 78HHH size breasts are overkill? BB Gunns (willing to bet that’s not her Christian name) thought they were jussssst right. Couple those sweater cows with those handsome and understated blonde braids and we certainly have the most tasteful entry on this list, if not the biggest. I’m more interested in how she doesn’t fall forward with every step. She’s probably got some elaborate hidden system of hooks and pulleys to keep her upright.

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3. Nameless, Innovative Lady

Well, I’ll be damned. Breast implants that are absurdly huge can also be really practical. Sort of. I assume this is probably fake or staged, but the article is dry enough that I’m inclined to believe that some idiot out there thinks that huge boobs may serve as a viable counterweight should you dangle out a window. I think that, best case scenario, this would be very uncomfortable. These boobs, should they prove to be real, seem to be the largest of the bunch, but without some quantitative figure, she’s going to have to settle for #3.

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2. Sheyla Hershey

There are whisperings that Sheyla Hershey is rocking the biggest boobs on this list, but since I haven’t seen a cc number associated with her surgery, she has to settle for the silver medal. What can I say? I’m methodical like that. Her 38KKK (racist?) implants were later removed when doctors claimed that they were killing her, as she was languishing in bed all day, in pain with a fever. Gee, that’s the least surprising outcome I would have expected from sticking those monstrosities in your body. Go figure.

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1. Chelsea Charms

She is tipping the scales at about 1200cc of augmentation (I sound like a doctor, don’t I?) whereas a normal augmentation is about 275-800cc’s. I don’t know what compels a woman to do this, but here we are. I think rational thinking isn’t exactly a priority when you get two beach balls shoved in your chest. She takes one step too quickly and she’s liable to clock herself in the face. Enjoy, Chelsea.

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