February 10, 2016

9 Off-The-Menu Fast Food Items

unusual fast food items
Fast food is hardly innovative. When it is, it’s normally the integration of two staples into some weird combination, like a McGriddle or a KFC Double Down sandwich in which the bread is…fried chicken.

Well, with such limited ingredients (it’s not like they have herb gardens growing out back) the sky isn’t exactly the limit as far as creativity goes, but customers have been able to dream up some pretty interesting off-the-menu concoctions. It’s not exactly Top Chef, but it might be Top Chef: Fast Food.

The next time you’re relegated to eating at one of these places, remember: the menu is only a guide. As long as it’s reasonable, make a request. It’s the service industry, after all. Take a look.

9. Chipotle – Quesadilla and Nachos
Even more so than taco bell, Chipotle adheres to the philosophy that if you take the same 8 or so ingredients and put them in different forms, you’ll be able to keep people coming back. However, they’ve only found four different combos: burritos, “salads,” burrito bowls, and tacos. Well, once you burn through those, you can get after some nachos and quesadillas. That should buy you another couple weeks.

8. McDonald’s – Apple Pie McFlurry
Buy an apple pie, buy an ice cream, then politely ask them to blend that sh*t up for you. This actually sounds pretty delicious. Crust, and cinnamon, and golden baked apples, awash in a sea of ice cream. You’re negligent if you DON’T order this.

7. Chik-Fil-A – Blueberry Cheesecake Milkshake
As long as we’re throwing unnecessary crap into milkshakes, let’s cheesecake up that ice cream confection. 9 out of 10 doctors agree: it’s something that you can do.

6. Denny’s – French Toast Grilled Cheese
Let’s be honest: If you’re eating at Denny’s, you’re probably drunk or on a road trip. No one makes Denny’s a destination; it’s a thing that happens on the way. So quit worrying about calories and ask them (politely, but firmly) to make your grilled cheese with French toast. It’s the poor man’s Monte Cristo. Just do some lunges the next day (like 4,000 of them) and it will be calorie-neutral.

5. In-N-Out Burger – Lots of Stuff
In N Out Burger
More than even the sit-down restaurants on this list, In-N-Out prides itself on being a made-to-order establishment, should its customers request it. Everyone in the In-N-Out region knows about the animal style burger, with cheese, grilled onions, dressing, mustard, and pickles, but did you know that you can get the fries the same way? Or that you can get diced jalapenos on whatever you want? Can’t decide between a chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry shake? Get a neopolitan. Actually, order that at any joint. If they won’t make that accommodation for you, they’re jerks.

4. Burger King – Frings
Burger King
Half fries, half onion rings. If you’re brave enough to eat at a Burger King, this bold move should be a rounding error. If you’re feeling REALLY brave, go with the suicide burger. It’s four patties, four slices of cheese, bacon, and special sauce. But before you order it, you should probably tell your family that you love them.

3. Jamba Juice – The White Gummi Bear

Apparently, this smoothie tastes JUST like the white, or clear, gummi bears. I’m not even sure what that flavor is, but if I had to hazard a guess, I would say pineapple. Huh. A pineapple smoothie doesn’t sound that impressive at all. We’ll just call it a white gummi bear. It involves pineapple sherbet, raspberry sherbet, orange sherbet, frozen mangos, peach juice, and soy milk. Not healthy, but I never claimed it was, did I?

2. Taco Bell – Double Grilled Quesadilla

Let’s face it: TB isn’t using farm-fresh ingredients, so you’re not going to miss out on much flavor by having them cook the hell out of your food. So go for the crunch and ask them to cook your quesadilla twice to give you some crunch. Especially helpful if you are travelling a long distance before digging in.

1. Long John Silvers – Side of Crumbs

We might as well end this on the grossest note possible, so let’s do this: if you are somehow forced at gunpoint to dine at Long John Silvers, you can order a “side of crumbs,” which is a collection of the little fried pieces that fall off the fried chicken and fish. However, if you order this, you will not be able to order the following for a long, long time: a girlfriend, a functioning heart, dignity.