February 8, 2016

9 Dumbest American ‘Holidays’

Most of us are only really familiar with holidays that allow us to travel, drink, take time off of work, or all three. Well, that pretty much accounts for about eight days a year. That leaves 357 or 358 days per year that have no distinction. Or so you thought. It turns out that authorities with decidedly less power than the US government have laid claim to these days for some of the dumbest causes possible.

How do you lay claim to a day for your cause? No idea. As best I can tell, the National Association of Pecan Growers just keep repeating that April 14 is National Pecan Day, then, once a few people listen and acknowledge them, it pretty much makes it so.

On a related note, I would like to declare October 11, June 2, and January 30 as national, regional, and municipal holidays in observance of Oddball Daily. Tell your friends.

9. International Jugglers Day 4/18

Finally, jugglers get the respect they don’t deserve with their own day. Not ones to settle for mere national acknowledgement, they have somehow negotiated international recognition, an acknowledgment normally reserved for various heads of state and polar bears (see #6). Pay your respects to all jugglers on this day by tossing a bunch of crap in the air, then dropping it.

8. Wiggle Your Toes Day 8/6

Fun fact: if you wiggle your toes on any other day and are caught, you will be thrown into a Moroccan ghost prison, where your toes will be removed with pliers, and the bloody stumps cauterized with your own burning hand. Sooooooooo, go ahead and get it out of your system on August 6th, because come August 7th, it’s 364 long, mercilessly days of straightened piggies.

7. National Beheading Day 9/2

Find a neighbor or community leader and cut their head off.

6. International Polar Bear Day 2/27

I’m not sure how one goes about celebrating national polar bear day. Do I visit a polar bear? Write one a letter? Draw one? Perhaps I shall dress like a polar bear for the duration of the day. In any event, the worst thing you could do here is forget the existence of polar bears. That’s what we do every other day of the year. This day, we acknowledge polar bears, no matter what else is going on in our lives.

5. National Juggling Day 6/13

Son of a bitch jugglers gave themselves two days! My granddad was right. Never trust a juggler. I understand that one day is national and one is international, and this is the same distinction I tried to make between October 11 and June 2 for Oddball Daily, but I wasn’t expecting to be caught. These jugglers got caught. And now it’s time to face the music. While I don’t represent the opinions or beliefs of Oddball Daily, I’m using this forum to completely repudiate any juggling holidays. On June 13 and on April 18, I will stay inside, cook frozen pizzas, and watch SVU on my DVR until it’s time to go to bed.

Who’s with me?

4. National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day 11/15

I would make a joke about how it’s completely disgusting if you only clean out your refrigerator once a year, but that would be completely hypocritical of me, because I only clean my fridge out once per year, or whenever food items start moving under their own power.

I guess a couple weeks before Thanksgiving is a pretty good time to clean out your fridge, but just to be clear, you can clean out your fridge on other days as well.

3. National Gazpacho Day 12/6

I don’t believe that gazpacho makers or even the makers of gazpacho ingredients have a very powerful trade organization, so it begs the question: who made this day up? A gazpacho fan club? One rogue gazpacho enthusiast who took it upon him or herself to spread the word about gazpacho?

2. National Pumpkin Pie Day 12/25

I’m guessing that the one day you don’t want to draw in this pool is December 25th. That’s like drawing Duke in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Of course, the pumpkin pie lobby (Big Pumpkin?) probably saw that they were S.O.L. when it came to picking a day and thought, “Synergy!”

This is tantamount to calling January 1st National “Gatorade and Aspirin” Day.

1. Petroleum Day 8/27

Really? These guys want a day of recognition? I can only assume that it’s oil companies that are orchestrating this day, and not someone who feels that fossil fuels themselves are getting maligned and are in need of a PR 180.

Think about how great our lives are with oil! Increased wildlife viscosity, no fruity electric cars, and a constant source of attention for our nation’s military. Without oil, life would be soooooo boring.

Thanks, petroleum!