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November 21, 2014

15 Cracked Out Subway Riders

cracked out subway riders
In densely populated urban areas, the subway is a great way to get around. It may not be the coolest mode of transportation, but it’s fast, it’s accessible and, most importantly, it’s cheap. Also, it’s better than riding a bike.

Unfortunately, what’s convenient and affordable for young urban professionals going to work on a Tuesday, or hipsters going to some out of the way dive bar for ironic karaoke on a Friday, is also convenient for crazy people…well, pretty much any day.

The important thing, if you’re one of the non-crazy subway riders, is to keep the right attitude about everything. Sure, that whack-job sitting across from you clipping his toenails is completely disgusting; but at least you’ve got a great status update for your friends. And me—I’ve got a great topic for an Oddball Daily list: 15 Cracked Out Subway Riders.

Enjoy.

15. Stretching Like a Boss
guy stretching out on the subway
I sympathize with the desire to put your feet up. And I’d even say, hey, if no one else is around you on the subway—go for it. But this, I think, is a little extreme. So here’s a rule of thumb: when putting your feet up on the subway, your foot/feet should not go above your pelvis. Cause it’s kind of gross.

14. Bag O’ Mannequin Legs
manequin legson the subway
“Hey Linda, you think it would be weird to take this bag of mannequin legs home with me on the subway?”

“Nah, people do it all the time.”

13. Passed Out Mid-Meal
passed out on the subway
Okay, it’s time we discuss proper etiquette for eating on the subway.

Yes, sometimes you just gotta have a bite to eat. But when you do, try to make sure it’s something that isn’t too messy and doesn’t have too strong an odor.

Also, don’t fall asleep in the middle of your meal and spill it all over the damn place.

12. Death Shroud Guy
black shroud guy
This guy looks pretty rad in his black death shroud, leather pants, and cowboy boots. You may think it’s a little much, but just watch: in five years, we’ll all be wearing this kind of thing. This fellow is just fashion-forward.

11. Comfy Box Shirt Guy
guy wearing a box sleeping on the subway
You know how to tell if a guy is having a bad week? If he’s sleeping on the subway, wearing a Corona box for a shirt.

At least he’s able to take his shoes off and give the dogs a breather.

10. Just a Lady and Her Boa Constrictor
woman carrying snake on subway
New rule: no pets on the subway that might eat other pets. Or strangle someone.

(Note to reptile experts: I realize this may or may not be a boa constrictor. It was just a shot in the dark.)

9. Deep, Deep Sleep
chick sound asleep on subway
Everybody nods off on the subway or bus from time to time, especially on longer rides. The starting and stopping along with the mild to medium vibrations of the bus or train can gently lull you to sleep on your way to or from work. That being said, for Christ’s sake, drink a cup of coffee if you’re prone to falling so soundly asleep that your head tilts back and you mouth falls open like a feeding bird.

8. Crochet Man 1
crochet man on the subway
Just in case you were wondering who made this guy’s awesome crocheted suit and matching hat, he busts out his new project to show you: “I made this bitch myself.”

On a side note, this has gotta be New York. You can tell by the way no one next to this dude even pays any attention to his attire.

7. Crochet Man 2
crochet man on the subway
This guy probably saw #8 riding around and said, “I see your crocheted suit, and raise you a full-body crocheted leotard—with no eyes. I win.”

And is that a camouflage pattern?

6. Subway Platform Nap
having a rest on the subway platform
Hey, when it’s nap time, it’s nap time. Even if you are in Brooklyn waiting for the A train. (Actually, I’m pretty sure this guy may be under the influence of alcohol.)

5. Guy Carrying Giant Portrait of Jocelyn Wildenstein
guy carrying portrain of jocelyn wildenstein on subway
You probably recognize the woman depicted in the painting this man is carrying. It’s Jocelyn Wildenstein, the New York socialite who became famous for the excessive plastic surgery that has turned her into “the lion-woman of New York.”

As for this subway scene, I think the only thing weirder would be actually seeing Jocelyn Wildenstein herself.

4. Hot Babe Taking a Snooze
sexy lady taking a nap on the subway
You see what I did there in titling this entry? I called this woman a hot babe, when in fact she’s quite possibly the least attractive person any of us will see all year. That’s called sarcasm, folks. We writers use it because it’s funnier than just saying what you mean.

3. Warm Head, Cold Belly
 guy reading the newspaper with his shirt pulled over his head on the subway
What do you do when your head gets cold but you don’t have a hat or scarf? Just pull your polo shirt up over your head. Yes, your midsection might get cold, but you look so crazy that no one is going to come within 10 feet of you. So it really helps maintain the integrity of your personal space.

2. Subway Leg Shaving
shaving legs on the subway
You know what? This one? Not even funny. All the awesomeness of this girl’s cleavage is completely undone by the fact that she is shaving her legs on the effing subway.

Do you know how hard it is to ruin cleavage?

1. Subway Pole Butt Flossin’
butt flossing with the subway pole
Think about this the next time you’re on a crowded subway and you grab on to the center stanchion for support.

Absolutely horrifying.