Don’t look now, folks, but Christmas is just about two weeks away. So if you haven’t brought your Christmas decorations down from the attic and dusted them off yet, you’d better hop to it this weekend. On the other hand, maybe it’s time to invest in some new decorations. That fake garland you had stuffed in a plastic garbage bad is looking pretty crusty. An influx of modern holiday decor might be just the thing your house needs this year.
However, if you are thinking about heading over to Walmart and picking up some new Christmas knickknacks, just make sure you don’t come home with anything resembling the crazy decorations featured in today’s list. Well, unless you’re trying to be ironic. Then, yeah, these are the items you’ll want to get.
FYI: make sure there aren’t any kids in the room when you look at this. They could be scarred for life.
13. Festive Toilet
You know why you shouldn’t decorate your toilet so it looks like Santa Clause? Because it’s pretty weird to sit down and take a dump on Santa’s head. And it’s definitely a sure-fire way to get yourself on the naughty list.
12. Fat Ballerina
Am I missing something, here? What is the appeal of this ornament? Why do the boobs have to be so…um, graphic? Is tjos cute, but I just don’t get it? (How man rhetorical questions can I pose?)
To me, a morbidly obese woman in an unnaturally tight body suit just does not make me think “Chirstmas!” It makes me think, “what?”
I all seriousness, though, it’s pretty impressive that these folks were able to get that VW Beatle suspended in the air between those trees. I’m betting they just decide to leave it there once the holidays are over.
9. Happy Vaderdays
Darth Vader in a Santa hat, making a snow Death Star? Okay, I admit, I would actually like to own this Christmas decoration. It is terribly ugly by classic Christmas standards, but pretty awesome by modern geek standards.
8. Santa got run over by a Boeing
Imagine you’re at the airport with your kids, getting ready to board a flight home for the holidays. Then they see this, and they ask you, “Mommy/Daddy, why does that airplane have a picture of Santy Clause getting hit?”
What the hell are you supposed to say? “You see kids, it’s funny to think of Santa getting killed by a 737″? I don’t think they’ll see the humor.
7. Santa’s Slay-ing
Ah, yes, what a lovely idea. Dress up a mannequin as Kris Kringle, then put a severed head in one hand and a bloody knife in the other. No, really, do it. And why my kid see it, I’ll knock on your door and punch you in the nose. It’ll be hilarious!
5. A Jersey Shore Christmas
Have we really sunk this low? I’m all for being ironic and cute and silly with Christmas decorations, and I admit that I think Jersey Shore is pretty unintentionally hilarious. But can’t we just keep a little dignity in Christmas? We have so little left in general.
I love nativity scenes. I also love pork products. So you would think this nativity scene made out of bacon, sausage and ham on a bed of sauerkraut would be right up my alley. However, just as I would be a little uneasy going to the bathroom on Santa’s head (recall #13), so too would I feel uncomfortable eating the Holy Family and the Three Wise Men.
3. Beware: Pooping Elf
If the internet is to be believed (and why shouldn’t it be?), this holiday display comes to us from a shopping mall in Spain. Believe it or not, this is actually just a giant-sized version of a popular nativity decoration in the region of Catalonia. It’s called a Caganer.
Yes, people in Catalonia put little pooping figurines next to the little Baby Jesus. Which raises the question, what the hell do they think Christmas is in Catalonia?
2. A Very Nazi Christmas
Let’s just hope these are leftover from the actual Nazi era in Germany, and not something made recently. (Because the only thing more troubling than the original Nazis are neo-Nazis.)
1. Santa does the nasty
Wow. This is something no one ever needed to see or visualize. And yet, here it isâ€”Santa Clause getting busy with a lady who doesn’t even seem to be Mrs. Clause. It’s just awful. I’m sorry for making you look at it.